When people say they have "Moved on"
Often, adults claim that they have ‘moved on’, ‘put it behind them’, ‘all in the past’, ‘so long ago’, ‘no longer bothered
them’ and may believe that childhood events are truly not relevant to them as an adult. This may be because they now have an adult understanding of circumstances and their parents’ behaviour. Perhaps they now have a better relationship with
their parents or have a happy marriage. Sometimes they have simply made a determined effort to ‘not dwell on the past’.
Sometimes, they may have truly ‘moved on’, depending on the severity of the impact and whether there was love and support
before a significant negative event or circumstances. If there were ameliorating factors such as loving support from a
significant caring figure afterwards or there were positive changes in the parent-child relationship, then the child may have had a chance to heal and release negative feelings such as hurt and anger or feeling unloved.
In general, unmet or violated childhood needs do not just go away. Feeling unloved or unimportant or unaccepted or unacknowledged or unsafe doesn’t just go away. Hurt and anger don’t just go away. The Child Ego States representing these feelings and the associated events remain buried in the subconscious mind from where they exercise their influence on emotional wellbeing and emotional reactions or influence behaviour by subconscious motivation.
During the review of childhood history of clients, I identify vulnerability factors (events related to needs being unmet
or violated by a parent) that could potentially underpin the current ‘presenting problem’. Sometimes, the client will dismiss a particular ‘vulnerability factor’, saying that they ‘had gotten over it’ etc, etc. But, have they truly? Mental health and emotional wellbeing are more than just the absence of psychopathology.
When a person says they have ‘moved on’, what they have done is determinedly shut out the bad experiences and associated negative feelings from their conscious mind. These are pushed down deeply in their subconscious mind, and when they ‘moved on’, it didn’t get left behind - they took this buried stuff with them.
There are other ways of describing this action. It is referred to as ‘disowning/denying a part of the self’. ‘Dismissing’ the Child Ego State is in effect ‘invalidating’ its feelings. To use dream symbology, where a house represents the self and different rooms represent parts of the body and mind, a Child Ego State stored in the subconscious is equivalent to ‘keeping a young
child in the basement’. Its ‘muffled cries’ can be ‘heard’ (as a sense of unease) and it can come out of the basement momentarily as an emotional reaction when the conscious mind is off guard. When it has been buried very deep in the subconscious, the child has been ‘locked in the basement’ so that it can’t come out - but it can be destructive and create a mess in the basement. A Child Ego State will not remain ignored and the individual who buries them deeply may be vulnerable to emotional problems or depression. The negative feelings may even ‘ferment’ and in the mind-body connection, have a toxic impact on the physical body, resulting in psychosomatic symptoms or disease.
My experience is that this Child Ego State ‘locked in the basement’ creates additional problems to address in therapy. The Child Ego State originally held negative feelings in relation to a need (or needs) being unmet or violated and possibly anger as well. There may also have been feelings of hurt because a parent was (or appeared) dismissive of the child’s feelings. Now,
in addition to that, the Child Ego State feels that the ‘primary personality’ (adult) has also been dismissive, invalidating, hence increasing the Child Ego States feelings of unworthiness. The Child Ego State may feel betrayed by the ‘primary
personality’ so feel angry and resentful towards the adult client. This has implications for therapy, since the
resentful Child Ego State may not be inclined to cooperate but will create a resistance to work towards therapeutic change. Before therapy can proceed on the ‘presenting problem’ that is of current concern to the client, this resistance
must be cleared. This involves the client expressing lots of remorse (while in hypnosis) for how they have treated the Child Ego State. Generally, this is relatively easy since the Child Ego State is eager to be ‘heard’ and feel loved. However, if the ego state that has been ‘cut off’ is an adolescent, this will be one very pissed off ego state that will not be as easy to appease as a Child Ego State. Their cooperation will require diplomatic and convincing negotiation by the therapist, remorse and lots and lots of grovelling by the client (in hypnosis). Essentially then, the hurt caused by the primary personality has to be addressed and resolved before addressing any hurt or anger ‘caused’ by a parent.
How do I know what is uncovered in hypnosis is real? Clients who say they have ‘moved on’ are not, in general, the kinds of people who indulge in drama and making stuff up. They don’t even know about ego states or how these ‘think’ so can’t make up the little dramas that unfold. I am constantly amazed by the little psychodramas that play out with Child Ego States during a session of hypnotherapy. The results can speak for themselves. Clients will generally comment at the next session on how
‘much calmer’ they have been feeling and not responding to former irritants that would trigger a negative emotional reaction (such as anger).
them’ and may believe that childhood events are truly not relevant to them as an adult. This may be because they now have an adult understanding of circumstances and their parents’ behaviour. Perhaps they now have a better relationship with
their parents or have a happy marriage. Sometimes they have simply made a determined effort to ‘not dwell on the past’.
Sometimes, they may have truly ‘moved on’, depending on the severity of the impact and whether there was love and support
before a significant negative event or circumstances. If there were ameliorating factors such as loving support from a
significant caring figure afterwards or there were positive changes in the parent-child relationship, then the child may have had a chance to heal and release negative feelings such as hurt and anger or feeling unloved.
In general, unmet or violated childhood needs do not just go away. Feeling unloved or unimportant or unaccepted or unacknowledged or unsafe doesn’t just go away. Hurt and anger don’t just go away. The Child Ego States representing these feelings and the associated events remain buried in the subconscious mind from where they exercise their influence on emotional wellbeing and emotional reactions or influence behaviour by subconscious motivation.
During the review of childhood history of clients, I identify vulnerability factors (events related to needs being unmet
or violated by a parent) that could potentially underpin the current ‘presenting problem’. Sometimes, the client will dismiss a particular ‘vulnerability factor’, saying that they ‘had gotten over it’ etc, etc. But, have they truly? Mental health and emotional wellbeing are more than just the absence of psychopathology.
When a person says they have ‘moved on’, what they have done is determinedly shut out the bad experiences and associated negative feelings from their conscious mind. These are pushed down deeply in their subconscious mind, and when they ‘moved on’, it didn’t get left behind - they took this buried stuff with them.
There are other ways of describing this action. It is referred to as ‘disowning/denying a part of the self’. ‘Dismissing’ the Child Ego State is in effect ‘invalidating’ its feelings. To use dream symbology, where a house represents the self and different rooms represent parts of the body and mind, a Child Ego State stored in the subconscious is equivalent to ‘keeping a young
child in the basement’. Its ‘muffled cries’ can be ‘heard’ (as a sense of unease) and it can come out of the basement momentarily as an emotional reaction when the conscious mind is off guard. When it has been buried very deep in the subconscious, the child has been ‘locked in the basement’ so that it can’t come out - but it can be destructive and create a mess in the basement. A Child Ego State will not remain ignored and the individual who buries them deeply may be vulnerable to emotional problems or depression. The negative feelings may even ‘ferment’ and in the mind-body connection, have a toxic impact on the physical body, resulting in psychosomatic symptoms or disease.
My experience is that this Child Ego State ‘locked in the basement’ creates additional problems to address in therapy. The Child Ego State originally held negative feelings in relation to a need (or needs) being unmet or violated and possibly anger as well. There may also have been feelings of hurt because a parent was (or appeared) dismissive of the child’s feelings. Now,
in addition to that, the Child Ego State feels that the ‘primary personality’ (adult) has also been dismissive, invalidating, hence increasing the Child Ego States feelings of unworthiness. The Child Ego State may feel betrayed by the ‘primary
personality’ so feel angry and resentful towards the adult client. This has implications for therapy, since the
resentful Child Ego State may not be inclined to cooperate but will create a resistance to work towards therapeutic change. Before therapy can proceed on the ‘presenting problem’ that is of current concern to the client, this resistance
must be cleared. This involves the client expressing lots of remorse (while in hypnosis) for how they have treated the Child Ego State. Generally, this is relatively easy since the Child Ego State is eager to be ‘heard’ and feel loved. However, if the ego state that has been ‘cut off’ is an adolescent, this will be one very pissed off ego state that will not be as easy to appease as a Child Ego State. Their cooperation will require diplomatic and convincing negotiation by the therapist, remorse and lots and lots of grovelling by the client (in hypnosis). Essentially then, the hurt caused by the primary personality has to be addressed and resolved before addressing any hurt or anger ‘caused’ by a parent.
How do I know what is uncovered in hypnosis is real? Clients who say they have ‘moved on’ are not, in general, the kinds of people who indulge in drama and making stuff up. They don’t even know about ego states or how these ‘think’ so can’t make up the little dramas that unfold. I am constantly amazed by the little psychodramas that play out with Child Ego States during a session of hypnotherapy. The results can speak for themselves. Clients will generally comment at the next session on how
‘much calmer’ they have been feeling and not responding to former irritants that would trigger a negative emotional reaction (such as anger).