Relevance of Childhood Stuff
It is common knowledge that childhood ‘stuff’ may be directly responsible for (or indirectly underpin) many adult emotional
problems and dysfunctional patterns of thinking, behaviour, coping style and relationships. A current problem for an adult may actually be a manifestation of the underlying ‘stuff’ such as unresolved feelings (eg, hurt, anger, unloved, abandoned) and negative attitudes about self, self defeating patterns or ineffective coping skills. Commonly, these issues may be what underlies depression (non-endogenous type). However, what has not been so well known is the ‘how’? and ‘why’? of what the link is between childhood stuff and adulthood.
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Psychologist, my observations have been that the ‘common denominator’ among my clients is some degree of low Self Worth which has created a vulnerability to experience whatever problem has led them to therapy. Further, it became evident to me that this sense of self was shaped during childhood from perceptions of how they were valued by their parents.
How did I acquire this information?
So, it was talking to my clients about their current problem and their childhood and then communicating with the relevant
child ego states while the client was in hypnosis that I obtained information on the emotional needs of children that were required to develop a healthy sense of self. I also obtained information on the long term consequences for Emotional
Wellbeing when these needs were unmet or violated by parents. In addition to the impact on Self Worth and Emotional Wellbeing, what has surprised me is the extent of repressed anger revealed that was the result of emotional needs being violated. Generally, these needs had been unmet or violated unintentionally, by caring parents who acted with the best of
intentions.
The childhood environment shapes identity, sense of self worth is based on perceptions of how the parent values
the child, love and approval may have been unconditional, or they may have had to be 'earned', effort and achievement may have gone unrecognised, parental role models of coping and relationships may have been dysfunctional or outright
maladaptive.
Unresolved childhood stuff is not restricted to horrific or abusive families. More commonly, it comes from 'normal or average' families with caring parents who love their children, unaware that some of what they do (or don't do) is having a negative long term impact on their children. After all, no one teaches us how to be parents – we learn from our parents, they learnt from theirs, and dysfunctional parenting styles are perpetuated. Even if we recognise that what our own parents did is 'wrong' and vow to be different, there is a strong chance we will make some other mistake instead or even make the same mistake, but in some other guise. Awareness can be the start, to make changes and break cycles.
The aim in exploring childhood stuff is not to place blame on parents, who for the most part, love their children and everything they do is done with the best of intentions (the old chestnut, 'they did the best they knew how'). The aim is to identify origins and underlying factors that contributed, if not directly to the current problem that prompted a person to seek therapy, then to vulnerability in functioning effectively that contributed to the actual problem. The client is taking responsibility for the problem and its resolution – and knowledge about origins is helpful in deciding how to address the problem in therapy. A doctor wouldn't stitch up a wound without cleaning it first.
If the walls of a house crack because of faulty foundations, then simply plastering the cracks and slapping on a coat of paint is not going to fix the problem – the foundations will need to be repaired or re built. Similarly, for complete psychological and emotional healing, the infectious material needs to be cleaned out and where necessary, foundations in learning (beliefs about self worth, attitudes, behavioural patterns) need to be
addressed.
This is not a witch hunt looking to blame parents and absolve their adult offspring from responsibility for their current life situation. The ultimate goal of any therapy is self empowerment. The first step in achieving that is to accept responsibility for a problem and then accept responsibility to find solutions and make positive changes. People who want to remain stuck in ‘playing the victim’ and blaming others will not achieve self empowerment. Blaming others is giving away personal power. The reality is that people do bad things to each other but the reality also is that history cannot be changed. What we are stuck with is the subjective experience (feelings, beliefs and attitudes) that cause distress and impact on our lives – and it is this stuff that is problematic NOW, not the past events themselves - which is good news, because due to the plasticity of the brain, the stuff in the subjective experience can be changed. Resolution can be achieved. Some stuff can be resolved merely by achieving conscious awareness of its existence and understanding how it is causing current problems. Reading self help books and meditation practices can also assist in resolution but some issues require professional help. There are various forms of psychological therapy that can be used and any of these will be successful to the degree that it can access the subconscious mind, either directly or indirectly, and make changes there. Utilising the services of a therapist is accepting responsibility for making changes. This is still an act of self help and achieving self empowerment, since a successful outcome will depend on the client accepting responsibility by being a psychologically active participant in the therapy.
What is the ‘how’? and ‘why’?
Infants and children have basic emotional needs (eg affection, attention, praise, protection) which when met
sufficiently by parents, will lead to healthy emotional development of the child and an emotionally secure adult with a healthy sense of Self Worth which is fundamental to our psychological wellbeing and impacts across all areas of life.
Note: Self Worth is not the same as Self Esteem and even though a person may consider that they have a high Self Esteem, they can still have a foundation of poor Self Worth underlying that – and that can be the root of current problems, because Self Worth can be defined as ‘a measure of what we subconsciously believe we deserve in life’.
Low Self Worth may result in inhibiting ability to fulfil potential, lacking assertiveness in speaking up or
ensuring needs are met and a tendency to settle for second best in relationships and jobs, because of the subconscious belief, “I don’t deserve any better”. In brief then, self worth can be regarded as a measure of what we subconsciously believe we deserve to get out of life. Hence, poor Self Worth can be at the root of current problems we have in coping with life situations
If any of the basic emotional needs are not met, then the lifetime consequence is low Self Worth. By the process of logic in the child’s subconscious mind, the implication of a parent not meeting the child’s needs is that the parent regards the child as unworthy (of love, time, effort, approval, protection). Children internalise their perception of how they are valued by their parents as their own sense of Self Worth. This perception is based on the child’s interpretation of how they are treated by their parents. Actually, this perception comes from the subliminal messages which are implicit in what parents say and do or don’t say and don’t do – rather than what they explicitly say and do. This may not be n accurate reflection of what the parents think and feel or how they value the child, but it is how the child feels that counts. For example, if mum loves her child but doesn’t give lots of hugs and kisses, then the child will feel unloved or mum might feel proud of her child’s achievements, but if she gives only criticism and neglects to give praise, what the child hears is that their efforts are ‘not good enough’ and by implication, he/she is ‘not good enough’.
The reason the child gauges Self Worth according to how treated by parents is that the child is responsible for
care received by care givers. The child performs ‘care eliciting’ behaviours and the parent is supposed to respond by providing the appropriate ‘care’. Hence, children feel responsible for how they are treated - and subconsciously believe that how they are treated is what they ‘deserve’.
If a parent fails to respond appropriately (ie the ‘care’ is not given and the need is not met) then the child feels unworthy. In addition, if extra effort is made in order to gain parental love/ approval/ acknowledgment, the child may feel some degree of anger if the parent still fails to give respond appropriately. If needs are violated
by a parent (eg constant criticism, rejection, abandonment, manipulation, betrayal, violence or abuse), there will definitely be anger. This anger experienced by the child is repressed so as not to alienate the caregivers on whom the child is dependent. This repressed anger is held lifelong and may be internalised against the self (eventually manifesting in depression or even a possible link to cancer) or displaced on to inanimate objects
(destruction of toys/property), bullying those who can’t hit back (cruelty to pets, younger siblings, weaker peers, and later, wife or employees) and may also lead to depression because of the unresolved causes of the anger.
If emotional needs are unmet by caregivers during childhood, then as an adult, the individual will continue to
seek fulfilment of these needs from adult relationships (friends, lovers, colleagues), utilising the same adaptive(?) behaviours they used as a child (which were unsuccessful then and are now dysfunctional in adulthood) and may lead to being given labels with negative connotations (eg needy, approval seeking, attention seeking, perfectionist, rescuer, people pleaser).
Having emotional needs unmet or violated often underpins current emotional problems (including depression), dysfunctional beliefs and self defeating behaviour patterns.
However, the good news is that because of the plasticity of the brain, resolution of these issues and
reprogramming of the subconscious mind is possible. In addition, because the infant brain is hard wired to achieve fulfilment of basic emotional needs, the relevant ‘inner child’ is amenable to reprogramming that will belatedly achieve the desired outcome.
An example of someone seeking therapy as an adult:
There might be an ego state representing a ‘three-year-old who feels alone, unloved and unimportant because much of her mother’s time is taken up caring for a chronically ill sister who is only eighteen-months younger’. There may be an ‘a five-year-old who is angry because her parents split, turning her life upside down, tearing away her family security, destroying her emotional security’ and there might be an ‘eleven-year-old who believes that she is not good enough because Mum never acknowledges her achievements at school or her efforts helping Mum’.
After the ego states have been ‘healed’, clients generally feel a whole lot better about themselves and have a greater sense of control in their life. When we communicate with ‘angry child ego states’ and help them to achieve resolution and heal, clients generally feel much more calm and, to their surprise, report that they no longer react angrily to minor irritations and provocations.
A more comprehensive explanation of the developmental emotional needs of children and how parents can meet these needs, plus long term consequences of needs being unmet or violated, is available at:
http://www.selfesteemparenting.com.au.
The model discussed there is the CAARP-ALIAS model of development of Self Worth. This website provides useful information for PARENTS and also adults interested in SELF HELP or just curious to understand how they
came to be who they are now and how childhood experiences could still affect them so many years later.
problems and dysfunctional patterns of thinking, behaviour, coping style and relationships. A current problem for an adult may actually be a manifestation of the underlying ‘stuff’ such as unresolved feelings (eg, hurt, anger, unloved, abandoned) and negative attitudes about self, self defeating patterns or ineffective coping skills. Commonly, these issues may be what underlies depression (non-endogenous type). However, what has not been so well known is the ‘how’? and ‘why’? of what the link is between childhood stuff and adulthood.
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Psychologist, my observations have been that the ‘common denominator’ among my clients is some degree of low Self Worth which has created a vulnerability to experience whatever problem has led them to therapy. Further, it became evident to me that this sense of self was shaped during childhood from perceptions of how they were valued by their parents.
How did I acquire this information?
So, it was talking to my clients about their current problem and their childhood and then communicating with the relevant
child ego states while the client was in hypnosis that I obtained information on the emotional needs of children that were required to develop a healthy sense of self. I also obtained information on the long term consequences for Emotional
Wellbeing when these needs were unmet or violated by parents. In addition to the impact on Self Worth and Emotional Wellbeing, what has surprised me is the extent of repressed anger revealed that was the result of emotional needs being violated. Generally, these needs had been unmet or violated unintentionally, by caring parents who acted with the best of
intentions.
The childhood environment shapes identity, sense of self worth is based on perceptions of how the parent values
the child, love and approval may have been unconditional, or they may have had to be 'earned', effort and achievement may have gone unrecognised, parental role models of coping and relationships may have been dysfunctional or outright
maladaptive.
Unresolved childhood stuff is not restricted to horrific or abusive families. More commonly, it comes from 'normal or average' families with caring parents who love their children, unaware that some of what they do (or don't do) is having a negative long term impact on their children. After all, no one teaches us how to be parents – we learn from our parents, they learnt from theirs, and dysfunctional parenting styles are perpetuated. Even if we recognise that what our own parents did is 'wrong' and vow to be different, there is a strong chance we will make some other mistake instead or even make the same mistake, but in some other guise. Awareness can be the start, to make changes and break cycles.
The aim in exploring childhood stuff is not to place blame on parents, who for the most part, love their children and everything they do is done with the best of intentions (the old chestnut, 'they did the best they knew how'). The aim is to identify origins and underlying factors that contributed, if not directly to the current problem that prompted a person to seek therapy, then to vulnerability in functioning effectively that contributed to the actual problem. The client is taking responsibility for the problem and its resolution – and knowledge about origins is helpful in deciding how to address the problem in therapy. A doctor wouldn't stitch up a wound without cleaning it first.
If the walls of a house crack because of faulty foundations, then simply plastering the cracks and slapping on a coat of paint is not going to fix the problem – the foundations will need to be repaired or re built. Similarly, for complete psychological and emotional healing, the infectious material needs to be cleaned out and where necessary, foundations in learning (beliefs about self worth, attitudes, behavioural patterns) need to be
addressed.
This is not a witch hunt looking to blame parents and absolve their adult offspring from responsibility for their current life situation. The ultimate goal of any therapy is self empowerment. The first step in achieving that is to accept responsibility for a problem and then accept responsibility to find solutions and make positive changes. People who want to remain stuck in ‘playing the victim’ and blaming others will not achieve self empowerment. Blaming others is giving away personal power. The reality is that people do bad things to each other but the reality also is that history cannot be changed. What we are stuck with is the subjective experience (feelings, beliefs and attitudes) that cause distress and impact on our lives – and it is this stuff that is problematic NOW, not the past events themselves - which is good news, because due to the plasticity of the brain, the stuff in the subjective experience can be changed. Resolution can be achieved. Some stuff can be resolved merely by achieving conscious awareness of its existence and understanding how it is causing current problems. Reading self help books and meditation practices can also assist in resolution but some issues require professional help. There are various forms of psychological therapy that can be used and any of these will be successful to the degree that it can access the subconscious mind, either directly or indirectly, and make changes there. Utilising the services of a therapist is accepting responsibility for making changes. This is still an act of self help and achieving self empowerment, since a successful outcome will depend on the client accepting responsibility by being a psychologically active participant in the therapy.
What is the ‘how’? and ‘why’?
Infants and children have basic emotional needs (eg affection, attention, praise, protection) which when met
sufficiently by parents, will lead to healthy emotional development of the child and an emotionally secure adult with a healthy sense of Self Worth which is fundamental to our psychological wellbeing and impacts across all areas of life.
Note: Self Worth is not the same as Self Esteem and even though a person may consider that they have a high Self Esteem, they can still have a foundation of poor Self Worth underlying that – and that can be the root of current problems, because Self Worth can be defined as ‘a measure of what we subconsciously believe we deserve in life’.
Low Self Worth may result in inhibiting ability to fulfil potential, lacking assertiveness in speaking up or
ensuring needs are met and a tendency to settle for second best in relationships and jobs, because of the subconscious belief, “I don’t deserve any better”. In brief then, self worth can be regarded as a measure of what we subconsciously believe we deserve to get out of life. Hence, poor Self Worth can be at the root of current problems we have in coping with life situations
If any of the basic emotional needs are not met, then the lifetime consequence is low Self Worth. By the process of logic in the child’s subconscious mind, the implication of a parent not meeting the child’s needs is that the parent regards the child as unworthy (of love, time, effort, approval, protection). Children internalise their perception of how they are valued by their parents as their own sense of Self Worth. This perception is based on the child’s interpretation of how they are treated by their parents. Actually, this perception comes from the subliminal messages which are implicit in what parents say and do or don’t say and don’t do – rather than what they explicitly say and do. This may not be n accurate reflection of what the parents think and feel or how they value the child, but it is how the child feels that counts. For example, if mum loves her child but doesn’t give lots of hugs and kisses, then the child will feel unloved or mum might feel proud of her child’s achievements, but if she gives only criticism and neglects to give praise, what the child hears is that their efforts are ‘not good enough’ and by implication, he/she is ‘not good enough’.
The reason the child gauges Self Worth according to how treated by parents is that the child is responsible for
care received by care givers. The child performs ‘care eliciting’ behaviours and the parent is supposed to respond by providing the appropriate ‘care’. Hence, children feel responsible for how they are treated - and subconsciously believe that how they are treated is what they ‘deserve’.
If a parent fails to respond appropriately (ie the ‘care’ is not given and the need is not met) then the child feels unworthy. In addition, if extra effort is made in order to gain parental love/ approval/ acknowledgment, the child may feel some degree of anger if the parent still fails to give respond appropriately. If needs are violated
by a parent (eg constant criticism, rejection, abandonment, manipulation, betrayal, violence or abuse), there will definitely be anger. This anger experienced by the child is repressed so as not to alienate the caregivers on whom the child is dependent. This repressed anger is held lifelong and may be internalised against the self (eventually manifesting in depression or even a possible link to cancer) or displaced on to inanimate objects
(destruction of toys/property), bullying those who can’t hit back (cruelty to pets, younger siblings, weaker peers, and later, wife or employees) and may also lead to depression because of the unresolved causes of the anger.
If emotional needs are unmet by caregivers during childhood, then as an adult, the individual will continue to
seek fulfilment of these needs from adult relationships (friends, lovers, colleagues), utilising the same adaptive(?) behaviours they used as a child (which were unsuccessful then and are now dysfunctional in adulthood) and may lead to being given labels with negative connotations (eg needy, approval seeking, attention seeking, perfectionist, rescuer, people pleaser).
Having emotional needs unmet or violated often underpins current emotional problems (including depression), dysfunctional beliefs and self defeating behaviour patterns.
However, the good news is that because of the plasticity of the brain, resolution of these issues and
reprogramming of the subconscious mind is possible. In addition, because the infant brain is hard wired to achieve fulfilment of basic emotional needs, the relevant ‘inner child’ is amenable to reprogramming that will belatedly achieve the desired outcome.
An example of someone seeking therapy as an adult:
There might be an ego state representing a ‘three-year-old who feels alone, unloved and unimportant because much of her mother’s time is taken up caring for a chronically ill sister who is only eighteen-months younger’. There may be an ‘a five-year-old who is angry because her parents split, turning her life upside down, tearing away her family security, destroying her emotional security’ and there might be an ‘eleven-year-old who believes that she is not good enough because Mum never acknowledges her achievements at school or her efforts helping Mum’.
After the ego states have been ‘healed’, clients generally feel a whole lot better about themselves and have a greater sense of control in their life. When we communicate with ‘angry child ego states’ and help them to achieve resolution and heal, clients generally feel much more calm and, to their surprise, report that they no longer react angrily to minor irritations and provocations.
A more comprehensive explanation of the developmental emotional needs of children and how parents can meet these needs, plus long term consequences of needs being unmet or violated, is available at:
http://www.selfesteemparenting.com.au.
The model discussed there is the CAARP-ALIAS model of development of Self Worth. This website provides useful information for PARENTS and also adults interested in SELF HELP or just curious to understand how they
came to be who they are now and how childhood experiences could still affect them so many years later.