Childhood Sex Abuse
This review provides an indicator to the areas that can benefit from therapy, to help adults who were sexually abused as
children, to resolve issues that prevent them from ‘moving on’ and achieve empowerment in their lives.
A single page or chapter cannot deal adequately with the topic of Child Sex Abuse. The intention here is to address the topic from the perspective of the ongoing psychological impact of a child’s need to be protected and feel safe being unmet and/or violated (as per the CAARP-ALIAS model of child emotional needs). There are other books that address the topic more broadly and more in depth. Some are the stories of individuals and their path to healing. Others are a collation of many women's stories which also address the destructive long term impact across all areas of an individual's life, the emotional issues they have to work through and guidelines on the means to achieve that. Their stories are a testament to the strength of the human spirit to survive. Many of the survivors of child sexual abuse have grown into strong people (although they may not always think so) and they are courageous (although they may not feel that) - it takes courage to heal, to confront feelings that are overwhelming and deal with them.
Most of the books available on child sexual abuse are about women, but that is not to suggest that sexual abuse happens only to girls. This absence of men represented in print may be due to several factors. Perhaps it reflects a greater prevalence of sex abuse among girls. Perhaps it reflects the differences in the ways men and women cope with emotional stuff – women turn to other women for sharing and support but men are more private. While support groups for men do exist, it is the nature of the male to keep emotional problems to himself. While writing a book on her experiences may be part of the healing journey for a woman, a man is highly unlikely to tell friends he has been sexually abused, let alone proclaim it to the world in print. Are men invited to contribute to books of collated experiences? Or are they overlooked because they are a 'minority' or because they are not 'visible'? Or are they excluded because they are men - and the perpetrators of
sexual abuse generally are men? Male survivors of child sexual abuse I have worked with have, in general, similar issues as women to deal with. However, while women may feel that surviving in a patriarchal society is an added trial, men who are the survivors of child sexual abuse may feel the added stigma of being men. Even women who were sexually abused by their mother may feel they are not welcome in a group of women who are a bonded sisterhood of victims of sexual abuse by men. They may feel somehow that they may be regarded as a traitor to this sisterhood by suggesting that a woman could be anything other than a victim. If in the following paragraphs a predominant use of pronouns representing feminine gender implies a dismissal of the significance of abuse of boys, I wish to clarify that it is simply for the purposes of simplicity.
The Abuser/Perpetrator:
For boys, the perpetrator is often a father but may also be a grandfather or a paedophile who is in a position of trust to ‘groom’ potential victims (eg, family friend, priest, sports coach, teacher) or a stranger in an opportunistic encounter. For girls, although sometimes a trusted adult outside the family or a stranger (such as an internet contact for older girls) may be the abuser, he is more likely to be her father, grandfather,
uncle, step father or mother’s boyfriend. Commonly, he may be a brother, particularly if the father is not a positive role model for being respectful and protective of women. Powerful churches and other institutions which have been promoted as caring for the welfare of children have been revealed to be the worst offenders as havens for paedophiles and systemic covering up of sexual abuse.
The nature of the psychological impact may vary with the nature and severity of trauma of the abuse. A father may have engaged in molestation, being ‘nice’, impressing secrecy, creating confusion and conflicting feelings in his daughter, particularly if his sexual attention is the only expression of affection he shows to her. The experience may be more traumatic with actual penetration, threats and even rape. Another form of abuse
that may be less traumatic at the time but has very disturbing long term emotional impact, is the father cultivating a ‘relationship’ with his daughter. From a young age, he ‘grooms’ her, making her feel ‘special’, until she is pubertal age, then the ‘relationship’ progresses(?) to sexual intercourse. The girl may enjoy this sexual relationship because her father has virtually courted her and she learns to become sexually aroused in his presence. The ‘relationship’ takes on a conspirital tone, like having a secret ‘affair’ behind her mother’s back. The daughter may see her mother as a rival for her father’s affections. A variation is that if the daughter has sisters, later in life, secrets may be revealed and all the sisters realize that their father was abusing all of them, telling each one that she was ‘special’, his ‘favourite’ - an additional betrayal.
In all situations there is violation of the child’s need to feel safe and if the perpetrator is the father, then he has betrayed the innate ‘attachment’ contract and his responsibility to protect the child. There will be some degree of anger towards the father which corresponds with the degree of trauma experienced, but this anger is repressed because the child is still dependent on the father. There may be some shame and guilt. This is due in part to the secrecy, so the child knows it was something that was ‘wrong’. Partly, it is due to children being innately responsible for receiving care, hence feeling responsible for how they are treated. This also brings a feeling of unworthiness of being protected. There is generally a sense of powerlessness associated with the anger. The child is left with feelings of low Self Worth, anger and even self hatred.
For the girl in the ‘relationship’ abuse, the ‘feeling special’ and ‘feeling loved’ by her father may initially block the other feelings. What becomes obvious to observers is her behaviour, which may be very sexualized, as a child and as an adult. As an adult, her behaviour and clothing may be sexually provocative in inappropriate situations. Behaviour is learned during childhood, mainly from parents, so the daughter subconsciously believes this sexualised behaviour, learned to gain her father’s approval, is normal behaviour for seeking approval. In relationships as an adult, she may be the emotionally immature, sexually provocative little girl pleasing Daddy. She may have difficulty committing to other relationships because, in the words of an old song, ‘her heart belongs to Daddy’.
Girls subjected to sexual abuse as children have had their trust abused so often have difficulties with trust and intimacy in relationships as an adult. They may also be at risk of re-victimisation as adults, attracting or allowing themselves to be drawn into unhealthy relationships that become abusive - psychologically, sexually and physically. This serves to confirm their subconscious belief that they deserved the abuse as a child and are unworthy of being treated any better. Some drift into prostitution, in the mistaken belief that they are using power over men, taking back the power that the perpetrator took from them. In reality, they are putting themselves in a position of perpetuation of their childhood abuse.
The mother:
If the father was the abuser, there is likely to be anger towards the mother for failing to protect the child, even if the mother didn't know - and perpetrators ensure that the mother doesn’t know. Abused children are angry because mothers are supposed to protect them from harm. Mothers give constant reassurances that they are there to help, protect and keep a child safe. Mothers are supposed to ’know’ and be ‘all-knowing’. They present themselves that way to the child: “I know what you did, don't try lying to me”, “I have eyes in the back of my head”, “I know what will happen”, “I told you that would happen”, “Don't try to keep secrets from me - you know I will find out sooner or later”. Is it any wonder, then, that when Daddy says, “This is our special secret – don't tell your mother”, that the child fully expects her mother to know what Daddy is doing and will stop him? Since mothers know everything that is going on, the child believes she must have known what Daddy was doing, so believes that her mother didn't care enough about her to protect her and stop Daddy. Since children feel responsible for how they are treated, she internalises her perception that her mother regards her as unworthy of protection.
Sadly, sometimes the child is right – the mother does know or at least has suspicions, but doesn't really want to know. She doesn't want her suspicions confirmed so she enters into a ‘conspiracy of denial’ so she doesn't have to face up to 'knowing' what is being done to her daughter. Perhaps having been raised in a highly dysfunctional or abusive family, the mother has her own insecurities (even sexual abuse as a child) and the relationship with the abuser (her daughter’s father or her boyfriend) is the only security she has ever known. She doesn't want to jeopardise that by confronting him. If the child tells her mother, she may be believed and the mother takes appropriate action against the abuser (by leaving if it is her partner and/or reporting the abuser to the police). However, often if the child does tell the mother, she is not believed. She may be accused of lying or if she is believed, the mother may accuse her of being responsible (confirming the child’s suspicions that she is a bad person who attracted or deserved the abuse). If the abuser is a brother (or brothers), the mother may be more concerned about protecting her sons from the wrath of their father or the risk of prison, than being concerned with the welfare of her daughter. If the abuser is an uncle, the matter may be hushed up or ignored so as not to upset the grandparents. Occasionally, as abhorrent as it is, the mother may be a co-participant in the abuse - anything to keep the man in her life.
Often, single mothers with low sense of Self Worth latch on to boyfriends of dubious character and place their young children at risk by entrusting them in the care these boyfriends. These men feel no responsibility to the children, but latch themselves on to these emotionally vulnerable mothers in order to gain access to her children – or a mother figure to take care of them, so they compete with the children for her attention.
Revealing abuse as an adult:
Sexual abuse is rarely revealed as a child, but generally only later, as an adult. The mother’s reaction is important to healing. There are mothers who do believe and support their daughter. They take on guilt for not being aware of what was going on and failing to protect their daughter. They may leave their husband and even support their daughter in reporting him to the police. The truth is that mothers are not omnipotent or omniscient and because they love and trust their husband/partner it does not occur to them that their daughter is at risk in his company. After all, he does act like a loving, caring father in her presence. The abuser knows he is trusted (by his wife/partner) and in a position of trust (by his daughter) and he exploits that trust for his own perverted pleasure.
Unless there is corroborating evidence from family members (eg, sisters abused, a brother as a witness) she may be ostracised by the family. Even if her story can be corroborated by someone, there may be a split in the family with some supporting her and some supporting Dad. Commonly, she is on her own, even if siblings were also abused but they are in denial. This is an added betrayal.
Healing and Moving on:
There are Child Ego States representing all the painful feelings of trauma, betrayal, unworthiness of protection, shame, low Self Worth, anger and powerlessness. While assisting clients to take back their power is the ultimate goal of all therapy, for victims of child sex abuse this is particularly important since their power has been taken away completely by the actions of the abuser. These Child Ego States need addressing in hypnosis, given assurance they are not to blame, their feelings validated and also being given permission to confront the ‘introject’ of the abuser (and non-supportive mother) in hypnosis and express their anger so they can take back their power. ‘Re-parenting’ is required to help the Child Ego State to feel loved and worthy of love. The focus in therapy needs to be on the Child Ego States since it is they who are holding the feelings.
Is it necessary for the victim to forgive the abuser? I believe that forgiveness should certainly not be the primary objective in therapy since that might trigger resistance from an angry client. I see empowerment of the Child Ego State and letting go anger as the primary objectives as a means to releasing toxic feelings, promoting healing and fostering a process of positive growth and Self Worth. I believe that forgiveness can come only after the anger has been released and healing process has begun. Forgiveness is not about the perpetrator - it is about facilitating further healing. Oddly, I have found that generally there is no need to formally address forgiveness since once the client gets to a certain point in their healing, forgiveness may occur automatically. This is particularly if we have information about the perpetrator’s childhood that can account for how he turned out as an adult. Amazingly, while clients are in hypnosis, they have occasionally been able to report that their abused Child Ego State has experienced compassion for the abuser as a young child.
Is it necessary for the perpetrator to be punished by the law for the victim to heal and move on? Not necessarily. The perpetrator may have died in the years between the abuse taking place and the victim facing up to talking about it. If the abuser is still alive, the victim may not want to be 'abused' by the legal system in her search for justice. The victim may feel betrayed by the justice(?) system if the abuser is found ‘not
guilty’, or if found guilty, receives only a token punishment. The victim may not want to take action that will involve destroying her father or splitting the family. Fortunately, healing can take place without involving the perpetrator or the family. If the victim does desire legal justice, and believes she cannot move on until the perpetrator has been punished, then she has to 'do what is right for her'. However, while the adult may experience some satisfaction if the perpetrator is found guilty and locked away, she may be unlikely to
experience the closure she expected, if the child who was abused (Child Ego State) is still suffering, still ignored, still unloved, still angry, still powerless. Working with this ego state model is a powerful tool for resolution of the negative, toxic feelings associated with child sex abuse and helping to gain a sense of being empowered.
Repressed and recovered memories:
This is a very, very controversial topic and I believe it deserves clarification here. The main problem lies in being able to verify the recovered memories because when child sex abuse takes place, the perpetrator is very careful to ensure secrecy, so it generally comes down to the word of the victim against the word of the perpetrator (or alleged perpetrator). Another problem has been that therapists looking for past sex abuse of a client are likely to find it, whether it occurred or not. Emotionally vulnerable women seeking an excuse for not taking responsibility of their life or certain personality types (eg, histrionic, compliant, dependent, neurotic) who have a 'need to please' may subconsciously conjure up false memories to please the therapist. Hypnosis has come under condemnation in this controversy for its role in being used to uncover memories of sex abuse.
False accusations (whether from false memories or mischievous accusations) can ruin an innocent man’s life. While no perpetrator deserves to go unpunished, no innocent man deserves to be punished unjustly or
have his reputation, career and life destroyed.
So, can memories of sex abuse as a child be repressed and later recovered? Those arguing that all recovered memories of sexual abuse are false memories claim that if an experience was so horrific, ‘how could a child
forget it’. However, forgetting is not about the horror of the abuse per se. Like repressing anger so as not to alienate the parent, repressing memories of abuse by a parent is ‘adaptive’. The child has to continue to
perform ‘care eliciting behaviour’, but how can a child continue behaving in a loving way towards her father if she is fully consciously aware of the emotional and physical pain he is repeatedly inflicting on her, violating his responsibility to protect her, betraying her trust? Repression of these memories generally happens when the abuser is an adult the child trusts and is dependent on in some way, such as the father. Repression is not about the trauma of abuse, but the betrayal of trust. Jennifer J Freyd, a Professor of Psychology, herself a victim of incest, has written an excellent book, “Betrayal Trauma”, (1996) answering the arguments put forward by the advocates of ‘false memory syndrome’ and presenting the evidence for the validity of recovered memories of child sex abuse.
My belief is that while forgetting is an adaptive mechanism for the child dependent on the perpetrator, continued repression in the adult is protection against the overwhelming emotions associated with abuse and betrayal of trust - until the individual is ready to face and resolve that trauma. Any child sex abuse clients I have worked with in therapy have always been aware of the abuse or have spontaneously recovered these
memories, prior to seeking therapy. I believe that when the individual is ready to deal with the traumas, the memories will spontaneously return. I believe that for a therapist to look for abuse on the basis of unsubstantiated suspicions or idle speculation can result only in unfortunate outcomes for the client. It may result in producing false memories that can only mean disaster for the client, her 'alleged perpetrator' and her family. Alternatively, it may uncover genuine memories prematurely, before the client is ready to deal with the fallout. No victim will ever feel 'ready' to deal with the trauma, but there are degrees of ‘readiness’. Only the ‘higher self’ will know when that time has come to allow repressed memories to come into conscious awareness gradually, a bit at a time, in flashes or dreams. While this may be confusing and confronting for the adult, it is likely to be less traumatic than being hit with everything at once under hypnosis before they are ready to deal with it.
The issue of recovered memories of child sex abuse can pose a worrisome question for some people who cannot remember periods of their childhood. They start to wonder what horrors they have blocked out of their memory that can account for these blanks and may even ask the question, “Could I have been sexually abused”? Some ‘survivors’ who are active in working with sex abuse victims may claim that ‘if you even think of asking the question, then the answer is, “yes”’. However, I would caution against such a blanket assumption. Assurance can be given that not being able to remember periods of childhood is not, on its own, sufficient grounds to suspect sex abuse. The point has been made that generally this is because there was nothing particularly significant happening, life was ordinary and same-old-same-oh.
When someone feels they are ‘blocking something out’, their imagination is likely to run amok and come up with horrific reasons, “What was so horrible that happened to me that I have blocked it from my memory”? My experience with clients (using non-directed exploration in hypnosis) is that while something may have been relatively scary to a young child, to the adult it may seem trivial. There may even be a sense of relief that 'that
was all it was'. In such a case, the Child Ego State can generally also be reassured.
Conclusions: When the abused becomes the abuser:
There can never be any justification, any excuse at all, for sexual abuse (or any other kind of abuse for that matter) of children. Often, paedophiles have a history of being sexually abused as children and this is
trotted out as an excuse for the abuse of children they engage in. If we are going to accept this argument, as if there was some kind of inevitability that was outside the control of the perpetrator, then we would have to expect that all victims of child sex abuse will become abusers of young children. There would be a strong case for locking up victims of child sex abuse to protect children from them. There would also be a strong case for de-sexing them so they couldn't have children of their own to abuse, thereby bringing to an end the
perpetration of sex abuse by each generation on the next.
Of course, this is nonsense to make such suggestions, since most victims of sex abuse DO NOT grow up to become child abusers themselves. For those who do, there must be other factors in their childhood environment that have influenced such psychopathological development that they can inflict the same kind of suffering they experienced on helpless, trusting young children. Most, because they are aware of what they experienced as traumatic and wrong, are determined to protect their own children and NOT be like their own parents. Because of the emotional scars and dysfunctional parenting role models they had, they may not always succeed in being the best parents they would like to be, but their intention is to be loving, protective
parents and they do the best they can – which really, is all that any well-intentioned parents ever do.
For more information on what is meant by child emotional needs (such as the need to be protected and to feel safe) being unmet or violated, go to: http://www.selfesteemparenting.com.au
Reference:
Freyd, J. J., “Betrayal Trauma”, Harvard University Press (1996).
children, to resolve issues that prevent them from ‘moving on’ and achieve empowerment in their lives.
A single page or chapter cannot deal adequately with the topic of Child Sex Abuse. The intention here is to address the topic from the perspective of the ongoing psychological impact of a child’s need to be protected and feel safe being unmet and/or violated (as per the CAARP-ALIAS model of child emotional needs). There are other books that address the topic more broadly and more in depth. Some are the stories of individuals and their path to healing. Others are a collation of many women's stories which also address the destructive long term impact across all areas of an individual's life, the emotional issues they have to work through and guidelines on the means to achieve that. Their stories are a testament to the strength of the human spirit to survive. Many of the survivors of child sexual abuse have grown into strong people (although they may not always think so) and they are courageous (although they may not feel that) - it takes courage to heal, to confront feelings that are overwhelming and deal with them.
Most of the books available on child sexual abuse are about women, but that is not to suggest that sexual abuse happens only to girls. This absence of men represented in print may be due to several factors. Perhaps it reflects a greater prevalence of sex abuse among girls. Perhaps it reflects the differences in the ways men and women cope with emotional stuff – women turn to other women for sharing and support but men are more private. While support groups for men do exist, it is the nature of the male to keep emotional problems to himself. While writing a book on her experiences may be part of the healing journey for a woman, a man is highly unlikely to tell friends he has been sexually abused, let alone proclaim it to the world in print. Are men invited to contribute to books of collated experiences? Or are they overlooked because they are a 'minority' or because they are not 'visible'? Or are they excluded because they are men - and the perpetrators of
sexual abuse generally are men? Male survivors of child sexual abuse I have worked with have, in general, similar issues as women to deal with. However, while women may feel that surviving in a patriarchal society is an added trial, men who are the survivors of child sexual abuse may feel the added stigma of being men. Even women who were sexually abused by their mother may feel they are not welcome in a group of women who are a bonded sisterhood of victims of sexual abuse by men. They may feel somehow that they may be regarded as a traitor to this sisterhood by suggesting that a woman could be anything other than a victim. If in the following paragraphs a predominant use of pronouns representing feminine gender implies a dismissal of the significance of abuse of boys, I wish to clarify that it is simply for the purposes of simplicity.
The Abuser/Perpetrator:
For boys, the perpetrator is often a father but may also be a grandfather or a paedophile who is in a position of trust to ‘groom’ potential victims (eg, family friend, priest, sports coach, teacher) or a stranger in an opportunistic encounter. For girls, although sometimes a trusted adult outside the family or a stranger (such as an internet contact for older girls) may be the abuser, he is more likely to be her father, grandfather,
uncle, step father or mother’s boyfriend. Commonly, he may be a brother, particularly if the father is not a positive role model for being respectful and protective of women. Powerful churches and other institutions which have been promoted as caring for the welfare of children have been revealed to be the worst offenders as havens for paedophiles and systemic covering up of sexual abuse.
The nature of the psychological impact may vary with the nature and severity of trauma of the abuse. A father may have engaged in molestation, being ‘nice’, impressing secrecy, creating confusion and conflicting feelings in his daughter, particularly if his sexual attention is the only expression of affection he shows to her. The experience may be more traumatic with actual penetration, threats and even rape. Another form of abuse
that may be less traumatic at the time but has very disturbing long term emotional impact, is the father cultivating a ‘relationship’ with his daughter. From a young age, he ‘grooms’ her, making her feel ‘special’, until she is pubertal age, then the ‘relationship’ progresses(?) to sexual intercourse. The girl may enjoy this sexual relationship because her father has virtually courted her and she learns to become sexually aroused in his presence. The ‘relationship’ takes on a conspirital tone, like having a secret ‘affair’ behind her mother’s back. The daughter may see her mother as a rival for her father’s affections. A variation is that if the daughter has sisters, later in life, secrets may be revealed and all the sisters realize that their father was abusing all of them, telling each one that she was ‘special’, his ‘favourite’ - an additional betrayal.
In all situations there is violation of the child’s need to feel safe and if the perpetrator is the father, then he has betrayed the innate ‘attachment’ contract and his responsibility to protect the child. There will be some degree of anger towards the father which corresponds with the degree of trauma experienced, but this anger is repressed because the child is still dependent on the father. There may be some shame and guilt. This is due in part to the secrecy, so the child knows it was something that was ‘wrong’. Partly, it is due to children being innately responsible for receiving care, hence feeling responsible for how they are treated. This also brings a feeling of unworthiness of being protected. There is generally a sense of powerlessness associated with the anger. The child is left with feelings of low Self Worth, anger and even self hatred.
For the girl in the ‘relationship’ abuse, the ‘feeling special’ and ‘feeling loved’ by her father may initially block the other feelings. What becomes obvious to observers is her behaviour, which may be very sexualized, as a child and as an adult. As an adult, her behaviour and clothing may be sexually provocative in inappropriate situations. Behaviour is learned during childhood, mainly from parents, so the daughter subconsciously believes this sexualised behaviour, learned to gain her father’s approval, is normal behaviour for seeking approval. In relationships as an adult, she may be the emotionally immature, sexually provocative little girl pleasing Daddy. She may have difficulty committing to other relationships because, in the words of an old song, ‘her heart belongs to Daddy’.
Girls subjected to sexual abuse as children have had their trust abused so often have difficulties with trust and intimacy in relationships as an adult. They may also be at risk of re-victimisation as adults, attracting or allowing themselves to be drawn into unhealthy relationships that become abusive - psychologically, sexually and physically. This serves to confirm their subconscious belief that they deserved the abuse as a child and are unworthy of being treated any better. Some drift into prostitution, in the mistaken belief that they are using power over men, taking back the power that the perpetrator took from them. In reality, they are putting themselves in a position of perpetuation of their childhood abuse.
The mother:
If the father was the abuser, there is likely to be anger towards the mother for failing to protect the child, even if the mother didn't know - and perpetrators ensure that the mother doesn’t know. Abused children are angry because mothers are supposed to protect them from harm. Mothers give constant reassurances that they are there to help, protect and keep a child safe. Mothers are supposed to ’know’ and be ‘all-knowing’. They present themselves that way to the child: “I know what you did, don't try lying to me”, “I have eyes in the back of my head”, “I know what will happen”, “I told you that would happen”, “Don't try to keep secrets from me - you know I will find out sooner or later”. Is it any wonder, then, that when Daddy says, “This is our special secret – don't tell your mother”, that the child fully expects her mother to know what Daddy is doing and will stop him? Since mothers know everything that is going on, the child believes she must have known what Daddy was doing, so believes that her mother didn't care enough about her to protect her and stop Daddy. Since children feel responsible for how they are treated, she internalises her perception that her mother regards her as unworthy of protection.
Sadly, sometimes the child is right – the mother does know or at least has suspicions, but doesn't really want to know. She doesn't want her suspicions confirmed so she enters into a ‘conspiracy of denial’ so she doesn't have to face up to 'knowing' what is being done to her daughter. Perhaps having been raised in a highly dysfunctional or abusive family, the mother has her own insecurities (even sexual abuse as a child) and the relationship with the abuser (her daughter’s father or her boyfriend) is the only security she has ever known. She doesn't want to jeopardise that by confronting him. If the child tells her mother, she may be believed and the mother takes appropriate action against the abuser (by leaving if it is her partner and/or reporting the abuser to the police). However, often if the child does tell the mother, she is not believed. She may be accused of lying or if she is believed, the mother may accuse her of being responsible (confirming the child’s suspicions that she is a bad person who attracted or deserved the abuse). If the abuser is a brother (or brothers), the mother may be more concerned about protecting her sons from the wrath of their father or the risk of prison, than being concerned with the welfare of her daughter. If the abuser is an uncle, the matter may be hushed up or ignored so as not to upset the grandparents. Occasionally, as abhorrent as it is, the mother may be a co-participant in the abuse - anything to keep the man in her life.
Often, single mothers with low sense of Self Worth latch on to boyfriends of dubious character and place their young children at risk by entrusting them in the care these boyfriends. These men feel no responsibility to the children, but latch themselves on to these emotionally vulnerable mothers in order to gain access to her children – or a mother figure to take care of them, so they compete with the children for her attention.
Revealing abuse as an adult:
Sexual abuse is rarely revealed as a child, but generally only later, as an adult. The mother’s reaction is important to healing. There are mothers who do believe and support their daughter. They take on guilt for not being aware of what was going on and failing to protect their daughter. They may leave their husband and even support their daughter in reporting him to the police. The truth is that mothers are not omnipotent or omniscient and because they love and trust their husband/partner it does not occur to them that their daughter is at risk in his company. After all, he does act like a loving, caring father in her presence. The abuser knows he is trusted (by his wife/partner) and in a position of trust (by his daughter) and he exploits that trust for his own perverted pleasure.
Unless there is corroborating evidence from family members (eg, sisters abused, a brother as a witness) she may be ostracised by the family. Even if her story can be corroborated by someone, there may be a split in the family with some supporting her and some supporting Dad. Commonly, she is on her own, even if siblings were also abused but they are in denial. This is an added betrayal.
Healing and Moving on:
There are Child Ego States representing all the painful feelings of trauma, betrayal, unworthiness of protection, shame, low Self Worth, anger and powerlessness. While assisting clients to take back their power is the ultimate goal of all therapy, for victims of child sex abuse this is particularly important since their power has been taken away completely by the actions of the abuser. These Child Ego States need addressing in hypnosis, given assurance they are not to blame, their feelings validated and also being given permission to confront the ‘introject’ of the abuser (and non-supportive mother) in hypnosis and express their anger so they can take back their power. ‘Re-parenting’ is required to help the Child Ego State to feel loved and worthy of love. The focus in therapy needs to be on the Child Ego States since it is they who are holding the feelings.
Is it necessary for the victim to forgive the abuser? I believe that forgiveness should certainly not be the primary objective in therapy since that might trigger resistance from an angry client. I see empowerment of the Child Ego State and letting go anger as the primary objectives as a means to releasing toxic feelings, promoting healing and fostering a process of positive growth and Self Worth. I believe that forgiveness can come only after the anger has been released and healing process has begun. Forgiveness is not about the perpetrator - it is about facilitating further healing. Oddly, I have found that generally there is no need to formally address forgiveness since once the client gets to a certain point in their healing, forgiveness may occur automatically. This is particularly if we have information about the perpetrator’s childhood that can account for how he turned out as an adult. Amazingly, while clients are in hypnosis, they have occasionally been able to report that their abused Child Ego State has experienced compassion for the abuser as a young child.
Is it necessary for the perpetrator to be punished by the law for the victim to heal and move on? Not necessarily. The perpetrator may have died in the years between the abuse taking place and the victim facing up to talking about it. If the abuser is still alive, the victim may not want to be 'abused' by the legal system in her search for justice. The victim may feel betrayed by the justice(?) system if the abuser is found ‘not
guilty’, or if found guilty, receives only a token punishment. The victim may not want to take action that will involve destroying her father or splitting the family. Fortunately, healing can take place without involving the perpetrator or the family. If the victim does desire legal justice, and believes she cannot move on until the perpetrator has been punished, then she has to 'do what is right for her'. However, while the adult may experience some satisfaction if the perpetrator is found guilty and locked away, she may be unlikely to
experience the closure she expected, if the child who was abused (Child Ego State) is still suffering, still ignored, still unloved, still angry, still powerless. Working with this ego state model is a powerful tool for resolution of the negative, toxic feelings associated with child sex abuse and helping to gain a sense of being empowered.
Repressed and recovered memories:
This is a very, very controversial topic and I believe it deserves clarification here. The main problem lies in being able to verify the recovered memories because when child sex abuse takes place, the perpetrator is very careful to ensure secrecy, so it generally comes down to the word of the victim against the word of the perpetrator (or alleged perpetrator). Another problem has been that therapists looking for past sex abuse of a client are likely to find it, whether it occurred or not. Emotionally vulnerable women seeking an excuse for not taking responsibility of their life or certain personality types (eg, histrionic, compliant, dependent, neurotic) who have a 'need to please' may subconsciously conjure up false memories to please the therapist. Hypnosis has come under condemnation in this controversy for its role in being used to uncover memories of sex abuse.
False accusations (whether from false memories or mischievous accusations) can ruin an innocent man’s life. While no perpetrator deserves to go unpunished, no innocent man deserves to be punished unjustly or
have his reputation, career and life destroyed.
So, can memories of sex abuse as a child be repressed and later recovered? Those arguing that all recovered memories of sexual abuse are false memories claim that if an experience was so horrific, ‘how could a child
forget it’. However, forgetting is not about the horror of the abuse per se. Like repressing anger so as not to alienate the parent, repressing memories of abuse by a parent is ‘adaptive’. The child has to continue to
perform ‘care eliciting behaviour’, but how can a child continue behaving in a loving way towards her father if she is fully consciously aware of the emotional and physical pain he is repeatedly inflicting on her, violating his responsibility to protect her, betraying her trust? Repression of these memories generally happens when the abuser is an adult the child trusts and is dependent on in some way, such as the father. Repression is not about the trauma of abuse, but the betrayal of trust. Jennifer J Freyd, a Professor of Psychology, herself a victim of incest, has written an excellent book, “Betrayal Trauma”, (1996) answering the arguments put forward by the advocates of ‘false memory syndrome’ and presenting the evidence for the validity of recovered memories of child sex abuse.
My belief is that while forgetting is an adaptive mechanism for the child dependent on the perpetrator, continued repression in the adult is protection against the overwhelming emotions associated with abuse and betrayal of trust - until the individual is ready to face and resolve that trauma. Any child sex abuse clients I have worked with in therapy have always been aware of the abuse or have spontaneously recovered these
memories, prior to seeking therapy. I believe that when the individual is ready to deal with the traumas, the memories will spontaneously return. I believe that for a therapist to look for abuse on the basis of unsubstantiated suspicions or idle speculation can result only in unfortunate outcomes for the client. It may result in producing false memories that can only mean disaster for the client, her 'alleged perpetrator' and her family. Alternatively, it may uncover genuine memories prematurely, before the client is ready to deal with the fallout. No victim will ever feel 'ready' to deal with the trauma, but there are degrees of ‘readiness’. Only the ‘higher self’ will know when that time has come to allow repressed memories to come into conscious awareness gradually, a bit at a time, in flashes or dreams. While this may be confusing and confronting for the adult, it is likely to be less traumatic than being hit with everything at once under hypnosis before they are ready to deal with it.
The issue of recovered memories of child sex abuse can pose a worrisome question for some people who cannot remember periods of their childhood. They start to wonder what horrors they have blocked out of their memory that can account for these blanks and may even ask the question, “Could I have been sexually abused”? Some ‘survivors’ who are active in working with sex abuse victims may claim that ‘if you even think of asking the question, then the answer is, “yes”’. However, I would caution against such a blanket assumption. Assurance can be given that not being able to remember periods of childhood is not, on its own, sufficient grounds to suspect sex abuse. The point has been made that generally this is because there was nothing particularly significant happening, life was ordinary and same-old-same-oh.
When someone feels they are ‘blocking something out’, their imagination is likely to run amok and come up with horrific reasons, “What was so horrible that happened to me that I have blocked it from my memory”? My experience with clients (using non-directed exploration in hypnosis) is that while something may have been relatively scary to a young child, to the adult it may seem trivial. There may even be a sense of relief that 'that
was all it was'. In such a case, the Child Ego State can generally also be reassured.
Conclusions: When the abused becomes the abuser:
There can never be any justification, any excuse at all, for sexual abuse (or any other kind of abuse for that matter) of children. Often, paedophiles have a history of being sexually abused as children and this is
trotted out as an excuse for the abuse of children they engage in. If we are going to accept this argument, as if there was some kind of inevitability that was outside the control of the perpetrator, then we would have to expect that all victims of child sex abuse will become abusers of young children. There would be a strong case for locking up victims of child sex abuse to protect children from them. There would also be a strong case for de-sexing them so they couldn't have children of their own to abuse, thereby bringing to an end the
perpetration of sex abuse by each generation on the next.
Of course, this is nonsense to make such suggestions, since most victims of sex abuse DO NOT grow up to become child abusers themselves. For those who do, there must be other factors in their childhood environment that have influenced such psychopathological development that they can inflict the same kind of suffering they experienced on helpless, trusting young children. Most, because they are aware of what they experienced as traumatic and wrong, are determined to protect their own children and NOT be like their own parents. Because of the emotional scars and dysfunctional parenting role models they had, they may not always succeed in being the best parents they would like to be, but their intention is to be loving, protective
parents and they do the best they can – which really, is all that any well-intentioned parents ever do.
For more information on what is meant by child emotional needs (such as the need to be protected and to feel safe) being unmet or violated, go to: http://www.selfesteemparenting.com.au
Reference:
Freyd, J. J., “Betrayal Trauma”, Harvard University Press (1996).